This is such a beautiful, heartfelt, engrossing post. I send my prayers for comfort, healing, and miracles as well as a virtual hug from Arizona. I have some idea of what you're going through. I have been chronically ill for 37 years, and I was used to my mother being my mother, friend, financial provider, and carer. Then she got breast cancer, and although I still needed care, I had to help care for her until her death in January. She was my whole world, and I have been so utterly lost without her. I am deeply in debt and without an income at this time, or I would also upgrade to paid subscriber.
I am sending you & C so much love. I’ve been in a similar place recently. Although my love & I have both been disabled & chronically ill (he a rare childhood cancer survivor from 1970) for decades, my love has recently gotten worse and my mom (both were my carers) nearly died of septic shock in September. Now I am the carer for both.
So dear one please don’t forget to take care of yourself also. C will need that too. Rest deeply when you can & try to do the thing you love the most for at least a few minutes every day for yourself. For me, it’s writing a line of poetry or a quick 5 minute revision of a poem. And if you can, buy beautiful flowers in the winter!!
I find it amazing that your words have brought me into your world momentarily, and I was sucked in and kept wrapt while I read your post. I was just scrolling through Substack, and now I know C, and what he shared in his wedding vows. Beautiful. I send you both love and healing light from the UK x
I accidentally deleted my long comment! Anyway, thanks for writing. Just upped my membership. I’m in a similar situation (cancer caregiver to husband stage 4, and I’m a writer in the Bay Area…). Sending you my best. So sorry you are going through this too.
Sometimes it is all you can do - laughing about regular things, being there, showing up, and taking care of yourself so that you can do it all again the next day. I hope the pain is being managed. Mysteries and unanswerable medical conditions can be incredibly draining. I love that you draw together.
Dear God, please put your loving and healing hands on C.s mouth and body to restore him to health. Also touch Esme’s whole being with your comfort and strength. Give them both joy, a deep joy. Help the medical staff with wisdom, kindness and insight for C.S situation. Amen 🙏
No words can convey my support for you at this difficult time. I'm a chronically ill (as I call my metastatic breast cancer) person married (24 years) to a chronically ill man who is 10 years younger. This wasn't supposed to happen to him in his 40s (now 57). The grief of all the years lost to fatigue, illness, and treatments is immeasurable. The anger at God (or whomever) at allowing this to happen to us. The world seems very unkind at times, but especially now.
Reading this helps me feel seen, even though I am doing the seeing. That's the power of sharing, and I thank you for doing so. We are more than half a year into my husband's mysterious health issues that have yet to receive clear diagnosis despite their often debilitating consequences. At the same time we are more than a year into my own increasing foot pain, because my priority has been him. He has dealt with far worse. All that to say, I appreciate your perspective on being a caretaker while needing care yourself. Your words are exactly what I needed to read tonight.
Another reader, Chris, pointed out how beautiful it is that we are able, even in our own times of need, to show up for our loved ones. To stretch in this way, to care for as to be cared for, is a powerful thing.
I came to the comments to say this and also to say I am sorry for all you and C are going through.
Thank you, Esme, for being so brave and open and writing to us about this, writing so well. I was carer for my mother who suffered from dementia, and that was unimaginably difficult. I was healthy and this was my mother, not my mate, so I think you are amazing, chronically ill yourself, for shouldering such a great and loving responsibility. I was an unpaid caregiver for a decade, so that has left me in a financial hole. Otherwise, I would upgrade to paid subscriber, but at present I'll just be glad to read your free posts and root for you and Chris. Miracles do happen. And ditto what Georgena says here.
Deepest wishes and prayers to whoever where ever is listening for the best possible outcome for your husband's health. Also for your strength and strong spirit to hold up inspite of the circumstances at this moment. Surround yourself in white light and passionate red love for courage, grace and balanace in these trying times. Love conquers all.
This is such a beautiful, heartfelt, engrossing post. I send my prayers for comfort, healing, and miracles as well as a virtual hug from Arizona. I have some idea of what you're going through. I have been chronically ill for 37 years, and I was used to my mother being my mother, friend, financial provider, and carer. Then she got breast cancer, and although I still needed care, I had to help care for her until her death in January. She was my whole world, and I have been so utterly lost without her. I am deeply in debt and without an income at this time, or I would also upgrade to paid subscriber.
It’s beautiful how we can show up even as we need so much ourselves.
It is, Chris, it is.
I am sending you & C so much love. I’ve been in a similar place recently. Although my love & I have both been disabled & chronically ill (he a rare childhood cancer survivor from 1970) for decades, my love has recently gotten worse and my mom (both were my carers) nearly died of septic shock in September. Now I am the carer for both.
So dear one please don’t forget to take care of yourself also. C will need that too. Rest deeply when you can & try to do the thing you love the most for at least a few minutes every day for yourself. For me, it’s writing a line of poetry or a quick 5 minute revision of a poem. And if you can, buy beautiful flowers in the winter!!
Authenticity is a human virtue. Respect. 👊🏻
What beautiful writing about an excruciating experience
Esmé, no words, except thank you. I'm not someone who prays in the classical way, but you are in my thoughts. Wishing you healing and well-being.
I find it amazing that your words have brought me into your world momentarily, and I was sucked in and kept wrapt while I read your post. I was just scrolling through Substack, and now I know C, and what he shared in his wedding vows. Beautiful. I send you both love and healing light from the UK x
I accidentally deleted my long comment! Anyway, thanks for writing. Just upped my membership. I’m in a similar situation (cancer caregiver to husband stage 4, and I’m a writer in the Bay Area…). Sending you my best. So sorry you are going through this too.
Sometimes it is all you can do - laughing about regular things, being there, showing up, and taking care of yourself so that you can do it all again the next day. I hope the pain is being managed. Mysteries and unanswerable medical conditions can be incredibly draining. I love that you draw together.
Dear God, please put your loving and healing hands on C.s mouth and body to restore him to health. Also touch Esme’s whole being with your comfort and strength. Give them both joy, a deep joy. Help the medical staff with wisdom, kindness and insight for C.S situation. Amen 🙏
No words can convey my support for you at this difficult time. I'm a chronically ill (as I call my metastatic breast cancer) person married (24 years) to a chronically ill man who is 10 years younger. This wasn't supposed to happen to him in his 40s (now 57). The grief of all the years lost to fatigue, illness, and treatments is immeasurable. The anger at God (or whomever) at allowing this to happen to us. The world seems very unkind at times, but especially now.
Such sweetness 💕
Reading this helps me feel seen, even though I am doing the seeing. That's the power of sharing, and I thank you for doing so. We are more than half a year into my husband's mysterious health issues that have yet to receive clear diagnosis despite their often debilitating consequences. At the same time we are more than a year into my own increasing foot pain, because my priority has been him. He has dealt with far worse. All that to say, I appreciate your perspective on being a caretaker while needing care yourself. Your words are exactly what I needed to read tonight.
Another reader, Chris, pointed out how beautiful it is that we are able, even in our own times of need, to show up for our loved ones. To stretch in this way, to care for as to be cared for, is a powerful thing.
I came to the comments to say this and also to say I am sorry for all you and C are going through.
Thank you, Esme, for being so brave and open and writing to us about this, writing so well. I was carer for my mother who suffered from dementia, and that was unimaginably difficult. I was healthy and this was my mother, not my mate, so I think you are amazing, chronically ill yourself, for shouldering such a great and loving responsibility. I was an unpaid caregiver for a decade, so that has left me in a financial hole. Otherwise, I would upgrade to paid subscriber, but at present I'll just be glad to read your free posts and root for you and Chris. Miracles do happen. And ditto what Georgena says here.
Deepest wishes and prayers to whoever where ever is listening for the best possible outcome for your husband's health. Also for your strength and strong spirit to hold up inspite of the circumstances at this moment. Surround yourself in white light and passionate red love for courage, grace and balanace in these trying times. Love conquers all.