Thank you. A beautiful post. We've never met but I'm sending big empathetic hugs.
During the last couple of months, when my Dad was suffering a myriad of health issues, he went in and out of hospital a few times. In the darkest hours, watching over him, overnight with only the light from my phone to read my kindle-app, he emitted a deep resonant snore ;-) The sound gave me a BIGger deeper breath, because it meant he was getting some restorative sleep amidst the pain and everything else. I still remember that moment of utter bittersweet joy, pure and so meaningful because I could breath deeper with him, connected in those dark hours. Happiness doesn't come close to those moments of joy we experienced, in the cruelest of times.
This is gorgeous, Esmé. It's been a wild year for our family - amazing travels in Europe from January through May as my husband completed Fulbright Award travel, followed by the almost immediate illness of his bonus mom (technically his stepmother but really much more than that), an illness that no doctor could identify but that essentially deprived her body of nutrients, and which ultimately caused her death in mid-November. Our son finished Kindergarten and moved up to first grade; my mom maintained remission for leukemia and made great strides in starting to walk again after being paraplegic for a time (presumably due to swelling from lumbar punctures but also maybe from her chemo meds). She made that progress and she also had a life-threatening systemic fungal infection the same week W's bonus mom was dying, ending up in critical care herself, coming out of it with kidney and liver damage (that the doctors suspect she'll recover from) as a side effect of the antifungal meds. It's been such a year of high highs and low lows, with my own chronic illness flaring on top of the mom stuff. I'm going to write up a year in review post for my blog and I'm going to do my best to find some beautiful moments like the day you talk about here to include.
This has been our cancer year, as well. My husband Jake and I got married the night before the salvage surgery that took his entire tongue (we thought he wouldn’t make it till morning). His cancer returned just two months later, and we’re starting a family. My relationship with time has changed irrevocably, in ways that are sometimes difficult to explain (or understand). I’ve written about that beautiful and terrifying night be said I do what forever means when measures against our tiny, brief lives: https://open.substack.com/pub/bessstillman/p/forever-is-short-long-time?r=16l8ek&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
This is beautiful, Esme. I haven't watched American Symphony yet but am very much looking forward to it. I read Suleika's book when it came out, and follow her beautiful Substack. I didn't realize how much you have also gone through in the last year. So much strength. Love to you and C.
Have you ever had something beautiful emerge from something awful? What do you most remember about it?
that's the hardest thing to do - being with the pain and allowing something else to become - you sharing makes it easier for us to share :)
Thank you. A beautiful post. We've never met but I'm sending big empathetic hugs.
During the last couple of months, when my Dad was suffering a myriad of health issues, he went in and out of hospital a few times. In the darkest hours, watching over him, overnight with only the light from my phone to read my kindle-app, he emitted a deep resonant snore ;-) The sound gave me a BIGger deeper breath, because it meant he was getting some restorative sleep amidst the pain and everything else. I still remember that moment of utter bittersweet joy, pure and so meaningful because I could breath deeper with him, connected in those dark hours. Happiness doesn't come close to those moments of joy we experienced, in the cruelest of times.
This is gorgeous, Esmé. It's been a wild year for our family - amazing travels in Europe from January through May as my husband completed Fulbright Award travel, followed by the almost immediate illness of his bonus mom (technically his stepmother but really much more than that), an illness that no doctor could identify but that essentially deprived her body of nutrients, and which ultimately caused her death in mid-November. Our son finished Kindergarten and moved up to first grade; my mom maintained remission for leukemia and made great strides in starting to walk again after being paraplegic for a time (presumably due to swelling from lumbar punctures but also maybe from her chemo meds). She made that progress and she also had a life-threatening systemic fungal infection the same week W's bonus mom was dying, ending up in critical care herself, coming out of it with kidney and liver damage (that the doctors suspect she'll recover from) as a side effect of the antifungal meds. It's been such a year of high highs and low lows, with my own chronic illness flaring on top of the mom stuff. I'm going to write up a year in review post for my blog and I'm going to do my best to find some beautiful moments like the day you talk about here to include.
This has been our cancer year, as well. My husband Jake and I got married the night before the salvage surgery that took his entire tongue (we thought he wouldn’t make it till morning). His cancer returned just two months later, and we’re starting a family. My relationship with time has changed irrevocably, in ways that are sometimes difficult to explain (or understand). I’ve written about that beautiful and terrifying night be said I do what forever means when measures against our tiny, brief lives: https://open.substack.com/pub/bessstillman/p/forever-is-short-long-time?r=16l8ek&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
So beautiful. I’m in tears... and so happy that you and C made it to the other side of your Cancer Year. Much love to you, both. ❤️
This is beautiful, Esme. I haven't watched American Symphony yet but am very much looking forward to it. I read Suleika's book when it came out, and follow her beautiful Substack. I didn't realize how much you have also gone through in the last year. So much strength. Love to you and C.
Amazing read. Thank you for sharing your story. ❤️
Sending you and C so much love ❤️ (and also love to Festa, which is the best of San Francisco in one little room)
Heartbreaking. Our Cancer Year. And I'm so sorry Esme. You, your beloved and so many are are in such difficult times. Sending all strength. 🙏🏼
Stunningly beautiful piece, Esmé
Thank you for this beautiful post 🙏🏻✨
Powerful. Beautiful 💛
Thank you for sharing how you find beauty in something awful; it's something I too try to do💚.